Noodling On Avoidance

This morning I was struggling to make conscious contact with the God of my understanding. Another way to say this is I was struggling to show up for my spiritual and meditation practices. I walked into the kitchen, where I usually begin the day in front of a sacred space I set up, aligning with prayer. But I kept walking past…several times .

I’d walk in, glance at the sacred objects…and wander off. I could not get myself to settle. Later I walked in for lunch, having still avoided this ritual. My mind buzzing and uncomfortable. Then that pull towards relief, deep in my belly woke me up long enough to at least stand still in front of the sacred space…..I took a breath…felt all the resistance still there. Took another breath…and settled for curiosity…that was the best I could offer with honesty. I was not ready to dive into practice with any  reverence or gratitude…yet. But resistance softened into curiosity…this felt less threatening. 

‘OK’…I said out loud to whatever benevolent force is out there. “I’m here!” Like I had been summoned. “I’m struggling today.”  And from there…out came the honesty I needed to release. All the feelings I was trying to avoid …to outrun…to hide under the sheets…there it was. And imediately the universe spoke right back. 

When you avoid sacred space…when you avoid connecting with the divine…you are avoiding connecting with yourself. 

And it became so simple and clear…when I struggle to settle into the sacred spaces seemingly ‘outside’ myself, I am struggling to settle into the sacred spaces ‘inside’ of me. 

My breath softened some more. My body started to relax and feel held…and I began to shift out of self reliance and avoidance and into connection again.

SO Here is where choice comes in…the fork in the road. I could choose to beat myself up for the avoidance, I could choose to go back to numbing out and NOT look, OR I could have some grace with myself…and choose some compassion. Let the divine move through me.

I hope when you are faced with these forks in the road…you choose kindness, and self love. The world hands us enough tough lessons. Nothing much heals with an iron fist. 

And when you come up against your own version of avoidance…I hope you consider this story…and remember that returning to the practice, is a return to yourself…a life long journey…but none better than any I have yet discovered.