Just For Today

Mar 15, 2017 Chronic Illness

Ramblings from a wintery office…So today my Lyme disease it teaching me patience and the skill of being truly present! When I say TODAY, I do not mean it in the global, life lesson way. I mean TODAY as I sit here at my desk, with the cool blue winter sky shimmering just past my office window with my head bobbing from exhaustion.

TODAY I woke up and excitedly greeted the day…I had plans…BIG plans…go to work, craft a fabulously healing lunch, run around chasing 2 teenagers, do a Spartan sized work out and cap it off with a little birthday celebration with the ladies.

SO…TODAY I drove the kids to school (almost on time)- check, drove an hour to Spaulding Rehab Center in Boston, had the privilege of working on 4 patients with chronic Lyme disease – check, drove back to school to pick up 2 exuberant teens who had a half day of school- check, made that smoothie bowl for lunch-check and…ran..walked..sputtered…completely out of steam! It’s 1:43pm and I am completely out of steam?!*@?

I had BIG plans for the day…but as usual when I try to dictate how my body should be and just how I think the world should turn, the universe has other plans.

This is what I meant about PRESENCE & PATIENCE. You see, I believe life offers us lessons all the time…sometimes the package is not to my liking…but nonetheless, the lesson is right there in front of me for the taking.

I have been an over doer, over planner, my whole life…racing from one thing to another…that is until I got Lyme. Lyme is slowing me down. Lyme has been one of my biggest teachers…it is still providing lessons on a daily basis. And TODAY’s lesson is presence and patience. CRAP!

As I write this, I had to pause, reflecting on the idea of expectations…is it OK for me to still think and expect that I can do SO MUCH in a day? Did I set myself up to fail from the moment I opened my eyes this morning? Then I start comparing myself to my healthy, ‘normal friends’, “Well Linda can do all THIS in a day and Sarah can do all THAT too. Surely I can hack it.” And yes, as we know…comparison is the thief of joy!!! But I digress! I DO think I need to adjust my expectations/ Thank Goodness Life is a journey and I don’t have to do it all at once. For TODAY my focus is back to PRESENCE & PATIENCE.

So as I sit here at my desk, can I be totally present in this moment to what is actually happening in my day, in my body, and in my heart? The flat truth is even though I am frustrated and a bit sad, I AM TOO TIRED to do anything else…at this moment. Time to S-T-O-P!

You see, I can’t see the reality of a situation if I am not present. If I am self-soothing or medicating, checked out on social media, distracting myself with on line shopping, stuck in obsessive thoughts and regrets about the past or full of anxiety about ‘what next’, I am NOT home. I am not actually experiencing what is happening NOW. TODAY. In this breath.

When I get present, I get honest! When I get honest, I know what I need and what action to take next, if ANY.

The patience part comes when I don’t like what is happening in the present once I’ve become aware of it. And BTW, the universe doesn’t really ask for my approval…said better…The universe doesn’t ask you to accept your circumstances only HOW you will accept them. So whether I am happy about being too tired to do anything else or angry about it, it doesn’t change a damn thing. I’m tired! So now what?

Can I be patient with myself TODAY, in this actual moment and accept that I need rest NOW? Tomorrow may be different…tonight may be different. Can I accept this moment with grace and kindness towards myself or will I beat myself up with critical and judgmental thoughts? Which is more helpful? Which is more kind?

So perhaps Lyme is teaching me TODAY to be present to what is AND be patient when I don’t like it all the while being kinder and more loving as well!

Sending all my love and blessings for healing and well-being,
Christine Grace